@therichards5

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

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@IamJackBoot

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

@NicestHippo

POLICE CHIEF: They call him the copycat killer
ONE OF THE COPS (mocking tone): They call him the copycat killer
[everyone looks at him]
Oops

@DamienFahey

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

@giftedrascal

I just found out my mum didn’t know how to set the clock on their new microwave. So they stayed up until midnight & then plugged it in

@AudreyPorne

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

@NervousJr

Nobody tell my husband that “year round periods” aren’t a thing.

@squirrel74wkgn

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.