H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
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[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Follow me for more recipes
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat: