H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
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We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
It be like that sometimes 😆
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
My birth announcement for our third baby
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you