H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
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Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons