H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

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Vicar: The bride and groom have written their own vows.

*Everyone lets out a huge groan as Tolstoy reaches into his suit pocket*


Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.


I didn’t flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she’s pudding our kids in the middle ūüôĀ


[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*


Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone


Me: *puts ferret in box with cat*

Mom: What are you doing?

Me: Making carrets!

Mom: Carrots?

Me: Yup! *plays Barry White*

Cat: *yowls*


“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic


[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK


Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.


microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist