Vicar: The bride and groom have written their own vows.
*Everyone lets out a huge groan as Tolstoy reaches into his suit pocket*
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
M: The MOST annoying?
M: I’ll take it.
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Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.
I didn’t flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she’s pudding our kids in the middle 🙁
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Me: *puts ferret in box with cat*
Mom: What are you doing?
Me: Making carrets!
Me: Yup! *plays Barry White*
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist