H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
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Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again