Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
You Might Also Like
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Ah yes. The three genders
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.