[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
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I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine