Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
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How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
The future is now.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced: