They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
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Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore