Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
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My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?