@NATxHAN

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

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@Rollmaninoz

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

@KevinBuffalo

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

@VanVeenB

Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they’re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.

@aka_fatman

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

@UncleDuke1969

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

@pilau

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

@carlyken

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

@galiamango

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes you can spend so much time staring at your phone you forget about the beauty all around you, so be sure to Google that.