interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
me: that’s right
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
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Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Wife: Can you phone the school to see if it’s open?
Me: I’ll go there and ask
Wife: It’s ten minutes away
Me: I enjoy the walk
Wife: It’s SNOWING
Me: I will literally do anything to avoid making a phone call
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”