@NATxHAN

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

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@DanMentos

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

@DancesWithTamis

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

@Shade510

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

@_troyjohnson

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

@Cpin42

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

@T_Bonezzz_

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

@Cheeseboy22

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

@ItsAndyRyan

Wife: Can you phone the school to see if it’s open?
Me: I’ll go there and ask
Wife: It’s ten minutes away
Me: I enjoy the walk
Wife: It’s SNOWING
Me: I will literally do anything to avoid making a phone call

@stephenjmolloy

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”