Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

You Might Also Like


Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)


I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.


Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they’re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.


“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”


Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.


[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body


Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa


I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.


Sometimes you can spend so much time staring at your phone you forget about the beauty all around you, so be sure to Google that.