Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
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TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”