“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
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Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor