@TylerFoFyler

Had a big mix up at the store today, apparently when the clerk said “strip down facing me,” she meant my credit card.

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@imchriskelly

Someone just tweeted something vague that made me think a celeb had died so I googled “dead.” No dice! Thank god—hang in there, celebs!

@simoncholland

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

@ThugRaccoons

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

@sirivan

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

@salmarch79

A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who’s stressing you out.

@P_Liesenhoff

US customs officer during passport check at airport:
You were born in Beirut? Why the GER passport??
Me: No, it’s Bayreuth, see, the spelling is different!
Him: What’s the difference?
Me: My town is in GER, the other is in the Middle East.
Him: Sir! Are you from the Middle East??

@joeljeffrey

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

@LoveNLunchmeat

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

@jackiembouvier

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

@aparnapkin

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge