HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
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Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible