Had a COVID scare because I couldn’t taste anything.

Turns out, that’s how La Croix is supposed to be.

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I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.


Sorry I can’t attend your Facebook event, I’ll be busy throwing myself off a cliff that day.


[uses the restroom]
Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down
Me: okay
Me: [to toilet seat] you’re worthless and nobody likes you


My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.


Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.


Two. I have 2 kids.


Fruitcake is like marriage. It takes two things that are great on their own and mashes them together into one thing that sucks.


If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start


She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.


What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.