[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
You Might Also Like
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Plumber: I think I found the problem
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Not all heroes wear capes.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.