@Muaythaigirlie

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

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@Rollinintheseat

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

@Molly_Kats

WHO ARE YOU RUNNING FROM IN YOUR OWN APARTMENT YOU FAT MONSTER NEIGHBOR I shout to my ceiling.

@WheelTod

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

@buhsbaby_baby

If by “be (your) girlfriend” you mean “catch spiders and hide them in your pockets everyday” then yes, I’ll be your girlfriend.

@Thynebear

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

@Reverend_Scott

If I were a superhero, I’d be Pizza Man.

My one-liners would be cheesy, and I’d save you in 30 min or less, or your next criminal is free.

@ellentee

Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

@BoobsRadley

The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.