Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
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I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.