Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
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Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Storm Tropical Storm
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
❤️🦆
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.