Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.

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9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again


astrology then: I seek the meaning of human life in the stars.

astrology now: If Capricorns Were A Type Of Noodle, They Would Be Rigatoni.


I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.


Me: So you collect pictures of guys with their height and weight? Sounds a lot like Grindr



My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company


2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies


*opens cupboard*
*catches glass before it falls on my head*
*puts it back in the same spot to test wife’s reflexes*


Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.


RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts


Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn