Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl’s drink, that would make her do my taxes.
Had a dream that my college classmate was a world famous hamster veterinarian and he desperately needed my help during a life or death surgical procedure, in case you’re curious how well the NyQuil worked last night.
You Might Also Like
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.