Had a dream that my college classmate was a world famous hamster veterinarian and he desperately needed my help during a life or death surgical procedure, in case you’re curious how well the NyQuil worked last night.

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Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl’s drink, that would make her do my taxes.


[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.


Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”


Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.


Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.


I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words


My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.


RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but


Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.