Had a fight with a janitor once, wiped the floor with him

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Lately I’m very optimistic about the future of my marriage…

I caught my husband on Tinder, so hopefully he’ll meet somebody… soon…


The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.


wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup


Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal


Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it


*Neighbor text – Sorry for using your wife. Use only when you’re not at home*

*Shoots Wife*

*Neighbor text again – I mean ‘Wifi’ not wife*


*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!


Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis


I once ate Thanksgiving dinner in a friend’s sex dungeon.

I think about this often.


I quit drinking & people laughed at me. Now the iPhone 7 is here and I get to sell a clean & pure Liver. The joke is now on them.