Lately I’m very optimistic about the future of my marriage…
I caught my husband on Tinder, so hopefully he’ll meet somebody… soon…
Had a fight with a janitor once, wiped the floor with him
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The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
*Neighbor text – Sorry for using your wife. Use only when you’re not at home*
*Neighbor text again – I mean ‘Wifi’ not wife*
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I once ate Thanksgiving dinner in a friend’s sex dungeon.
I think about this often.
I quit drinking & people laughed at me. Now the iPhone 7 is here and I get to sell a clean & pure Liver. The joke is now on them.