Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
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What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Cndnsd Mlk
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Things will get butter, keep churning
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?