Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
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Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?