Had a skype interview yesterday and I completely avoided the fact that I am actually a centaur

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extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like


GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*


As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.


If one door closes and another door opens, then probably your in a jail.


*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?


Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.


3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob


A boy met a girl

She:Every time u smile, I feel like inviting u to my place

He(smiling):Why thank u.. are u single?

She:No, I’m a dentist


Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot


I leave the window open at night hoping a drunk criminal will accidentally drop a bag of money inside while trying to break in.