“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
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It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
eggs benadryl
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.