Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
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BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Looking at you, Jesus.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?