Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’