Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
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My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me