Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
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Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Parents w/ 1st Baby: “Aww he’s starting to walk! C’mon buddy, u can do it!”
Parents w/ Baby #4: “SHIT, HE’S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
GF looking at lines in carpet: Aww, you vacuumed for me?
Me: *flashback to me rollerblading in the living room* Sure did, babe.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I’m certain my job is interfering with my drinking
I eat so much chicken that other food no longer requires a name, it is simply not chicken.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?