Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

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Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.


Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.


Parents w/ 1st Baby: “Aww he’s starting to walk! C’mon buddy, u can do it!”


Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides


GF looking at lines in carpet: Aww, you vacuumed for me?

Me: *flashback to me rollerblading in the living room* Sure did, babe.


Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.


I’m certain my job is interfering with my drinking


I eat so much chicken that other food no longer requires a name, it is simply not chicken.


Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water


Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?