Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
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I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.