Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

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If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.


I constantly google “how to put your kids up for adoption” so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I’m not messing around.


[Extremely heavy metal voice]



be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character


Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready

Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*

Model: Who the hell are you


I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer


Me: Did you play video games all day?

9: No

Me: What else did you do?

9: I ate lunch


I hate it when I forget my password and don’t answer my secret questions right. It’s like I don’t even know me.


I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.


Blood is thicker than water.
But maple syrup is thicker than blood.
So pancakes are more important than family.
I said it.