@VaguelyFunnyDan

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

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@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

@ValeeGrrl

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

@dshack8

Parents w/ 1st Baby: “Aww he’s starting to walk! C’mon buddy, u can do it!”
Parents w/ Baby #4: “SHIT, HE’S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!”

@RandiLawson

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

@Sal0630

GF looking at lines in carpet: Aww, you vacuumed for me?

Me: *flashback to me rollerblading in the living room* Sure did, babe.

@DannyZuker

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

@Phook75

I’m certain my job is interfering with my drinking

@venom242

I eat so much chicken that other food no longer requires a name, it is simply not chicken.

@smithsara79

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

@cowboyjeffkent

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?