Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
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Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.