3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
You Might Also Like
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
cyclists
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.