Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once.

*pops jean jacket collar*

I got marmalaid.

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PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something


I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys


Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?


I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.


Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.


Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either


[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.


*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”