@DumbConfessions

Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once.

*pops jean jacket collar*

I got marmalaid.

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@anerdonfire2

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

@daplusk

[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

@_mindflakes

“Please stop misquoting me on Twitter,” said my boss. “It makes me sad because I am a large baby with a stupid haircut”

@LoveNLunchmeat

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

@Petote

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

@MaybePileJokes

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

@ValeeGrrl

Sex is cool but have you ever tried folding a load of laundry and having no matchless socks leftover in the end?

@MrSpoonicorn

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions