@: [i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "i'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"] ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you're not going anywhere you piece of shit

@diarrhea: i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.

@jamdugg: *in ambulance* Me: Hey if I said you had a nice defibrillator, would you hold it against me? Paramedic: (blushes) Nooooo... Me: *dies*

@bencoffeehall: Each year an average of 10 people are killed by sharks while 100 people die being stepped on by cows. Where's Cow Week, Discovery Channel?!

@GNCordova: It's interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn't think the situation was this dire.