@rachelle_mandik: i ask my toddler what's in the box she's holding. "chaos!" she replies. "chaos! chaos!" i know she's trying to say "crayons," but it's not like she's wrong.

@pixelatedboat: "Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?" I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

@TheTweetOfGod: Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.

@AimeeHelene1: At a red light: Me: *turns to face car next to me* *rolls down window* Guy: *looks* Me: *loudly sings song* *dances* G: *panicked look*

@NicCageMatch: Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don't let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.