@DumbConfessions

Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once.

*pops jean jacket collar*

I got marmalaid.

You Might Also Like

@daemonic3

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

@AubriePesky

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

@psybermonkey

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

@DougBenson

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

@AzahelZamora

Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.

@Buffalojilll

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

@deadstick_ron

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

@david8hughes

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”