@JasonLastname
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
@DumbConfessions
Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once.
*pops jean jacket collar*
I got marmalaid.
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@JasonLastname
@_Kim_Jongun
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
@JohnLyonTweets
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
@PhilJamesson
how was your vacation
@lincnotfound
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
@geowizzacist
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
@Brampersandon_
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
@Rollinintheseat
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
@ericonederful
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
@golub
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.