Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once.
*pops jean jacket collar*
I got marmalaid.
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PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*