
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once.
*pops jean jacket collar*
I got marmalaid.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
how was your vacation
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.