Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once.

*pops jean jacket collar*

I got marmalaid.

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THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude


A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.


Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”


I could understand Eve’s choice to doom all of humanity if she’d been offered nachos. But an apple? My ovaries are not amused.


ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here


I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.


Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane


Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..


ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?


I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets