Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Watson was Holmes schooled
Get in loser we’re going crying
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.