Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.