Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
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Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
“Wait, let me explain..”
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*