My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
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I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
LOOOOOOL
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.