DATE’S FATHER: What business do you have with my daughter
ME: Oh this isn’t a work thing, we’re gonna watch a movie and smooch all night
Had to be a woman that coined the phrase “severance package.”
No guy is putting those two words so close to each other.
You Might Also Like
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
[auditions for laundry detergent commercials just so I can splash brightly colored food on myself on purpose]
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I didn’t know how to put this gently so I drew you a picture. That’s you. Now, see the guy choking you? That’s me.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Can’t wait to get my first kiss this Christmas under the missile toe 😘😂
SHE WANTS TO DISCUSS HOW COOL PHOEBE IS, RIGHT?!