@Shot_Of_Cabo

Had to be a woman that coined the phrase “severance package.”

No guy is putting those two words so close to each other.

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@Home_Halfway

DATE’S FATHER: What business do you have with my daughter
ME: Oh this isn’t a work thing, we’re gonna watch a movie and smooch all night

@IvoryGazelle

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

@Super_Cynthia

[auditions for laundry detergent commercials just so I can splash brightly colored food on myself on purpose]

@jacksfilms

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

@NewDadNotes

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

@TheTalkingPipe

I didn’t know how to put this gently so I drew you a picture. That’s you. Now, see the guy choking you? That’s me.

@Brampersandon_

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

@tiffistrying

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

@omgthatspunny

Can’t wait to get my first kiss this Christmas under the missile toe 😘😂