Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
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I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Legend 🤣🤣
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.