@SentenceReduced

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

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@rachelaxler

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

@XplodingUnicorn

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

@donni

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

@eedrk

[struts into party on stilts just as everyone starts talking about how they hate stilts. i try to turn around but careen over onto the cake]

@Marlebean

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

@BoomBoomBetty

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

@blainecapatch

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

@JohnLyonTweets

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

@Ophelia_808

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.