-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Had to get sticky tape and gift tags surgically removed from my body at the hospital…
Proving once again that white guys can’t wrap.
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The secret to looking younger is telling people that you are older
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
bae is acting so cute and imaginary tonight
Spirits are you there?
U R C U T E D O Y O U H A V E K I K
Why are we making such a big deal about the wheels on the bus going round and round? They’re wheels.
Colleague, commenting when the lockdown eventually lifts: oh you must’ve really missed the salon
Me, looking like I normally do:
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? Oh yeah. Imagination.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750
me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.