Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
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My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
tinder is all about the long game
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”