@TheMongoose69

Had to get sticky tape and gift tags surgically removed from my body at the hospital…

Proving once again that white guys can’t wrap.

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@Cain_Unable

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

@Cryptic1iam

The secret to looking younger is telling people that you are older

@carlyken

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

@Lexactly

[Ouija board]
Spirits are you there?
U R C U T E D O Y O U H A V E K I K
*flips board*

@michaelianblack

Why are we making such a big deal about the wheels on the bus going round and round? They’re wheels.

@ShellHasDragons

Colleague, commenting when the lockdown eventually lifts: oh you must’ve really missed the salon
Me, looking like I normally do:

@iQuoteComedy

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? Oh yeah. Imagination.

@kDuncanG

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

@ObscureGent

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.