Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
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They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no