Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
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as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Maths meets science
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No