Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
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I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
All you need is love.
and health insurance.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
An anonymous internet person said they were going to block me and then blocked me. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.