@BootsORiley

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

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@nerdreign

I want a firsthand test of the “mo money, mo problems” hypothesis.

@bartandsoul

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

@JeffMyspace

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

@Fred_Delicious

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

@mstluvstrinkets

“Ok, so you love kids and a clean house? Really, you don’t drink but you like to drive?”

Me, interviewing the perfect sister wife

@Bandersnaaatch

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

@TheAlexNevil

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

@bossy_bootz

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

@PleaseBeGneiss

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv