Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
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If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.