had to share :’)
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gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.