my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
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My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
buying dead houseplants to save time
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Squirrels before girls.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.