“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
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Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such c**ts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience