@FredPollack

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

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@OneTrickTofani

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

@GreenishDuck

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

@juicymorsel

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

@superdollman

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

@NikiWithIssues

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such c**ts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

@texasstalkermom

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

@UnFitz

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

@KThonvold

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

@FredTaming

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

@TragicAllyHere

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience