@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
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Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.