HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
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There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??