HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

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When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.


The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.


Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to.


Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*

*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*


#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me


Her: Do you have any hobbies?

*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde

Me: I make my own preserves.


I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’