@handsock_butts

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

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@SwedishCanary

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

@E_lok44

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

@kumailn

Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to.

@JustMeTurtle

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

@KeithSantagato

#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me

@drinksmcgee

Her: Do you have any hobbies?

*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde

Me: I make my own preserves.

@Floatersfinest

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’