HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
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If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.