Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
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Cannot stop laughing at this
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
real
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…