Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
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*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.