HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
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Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
People buying plungers never look happy.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”