I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
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If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
🤣✨#caturday
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese