the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
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Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.