[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
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If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth