“Haha, Imagine Dragons. What a dumb band name.”

-Neutral Milk Hotel fans

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“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work


[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*


me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please


“Welcome to the jungle”
“We’ve got fun and games”
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?


I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.


Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue


When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.


A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.