haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

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Me: Someone broke into the business next door last night.

Coworker: Wasn’t the building alarmed?

Me: Buildings don’t get scared.



Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal


Go into a bathroom stall and write: “For A Good Time Call Your Mother. She Misses You & Enjoys Hearing Your Voice.”


If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.


My dad just realized that the apartment his unmarried aunt has been living in for the past 20 years with her “best friend” Irene has one bedroom.

He’s so confused.

“Does Irene sleep on the couch? She’s 83! She shouldn’t be sleeping on the couch!”



[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*


Ate Frosted Mini Wheats this morning, pooped a mini patio set this evening.


My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.